A Stay at Home Mom with a Deadline

Hey, y’all! Kristen here. Get ready for a rollercoaster of emotions…

Flashback 5 years: My (now) husband wanted me to stay home with our (someday) children. I wanted to work. I felt it would be wasting my hard earned degree and I had just been accepted a MEd program for Curriculum and Instruction.

And now, here we are: Our daughter just turned 7 months old and I am enjoying a full year of maternity leave before returning to utilize the degrees I did not want to waste. And I am feeling a combination of dread and nervous anticipation about it more and more every second.

I was very firm with my husband (until pretty much this past week) that I was absolutely, 100%, returning to work. That is the decision we made while I was pregnant. That is what I put in my request for leave letter to the superintendent and school board. That is the decision we used when working on our financial plan for the near future. Our discussions of our next home — the home we plan to stay in for the long haul — was based on what our finances look like with me working. And here I am basically flip-flopping all over the place.

But I’m also not flip-flopping at the same time. I love teaching and I absolutely adore the daycare we have chosen. I have heard only fantastic things from parents, feel very comfortable when visiting, and just have a general sense of ease. I know that the socialization will be so great for Baby A. She will get to be around other kids her age, they will do some really cool crafts and help cultivate her independence. (That’s not to say I don’t do crafts and work on independence, but it’s just totally different.)

I definitely look forward to using my brain in a professional capacity again. I am not going to get into my concerns over my profession and the changes to it on all levels, but some of it does lead to a knot in my stomach. I love teaching. But, like with all jobs, teaching is actually only a small percentage of how I spend my time. It drives me crazy to think about the time I will be spending on the non-teaching stuff when I could be with Baby A. Especially the things that can be accomplished anywhere, such as grading, planning, corresponding, and updating my teacher website. I could easily do that from home while A is sleeping or playing, but some of that is (along with other things I will not even let myself think about) built into the day.

I used to be an assistant coach for the high school track team, and even coached until the end of last spring season with my belly sticking out. This year I am volunteering one day a week with the middle school track team. It feels wonderful to have a few hours guaranteed out of the house for me. Doing something that is just mine. Leaving is tough. Much tougher than I thought it would be. What if in the next 2 hours she actually crawls instead of just rocking and scooting, and I miss it!? I know there will be tons of firsts and I will not get to experience every single one of them, but I want to.

I hate the monotony of being home. This was definitely not the best winter for judging, since the polar vortex basically made us hermits, so I am interested to see what the spring and summer bring for me. We had finally hit our rhythm when it got cold. I thrive with a schedule and an anticipation of knowing what comes next, but I despise cleaning and laundry. Guess how I spend 95% of my time when she is sleeping!? The other 5% is for researching the products I use for her and for the home and pinning things, most of which I will probably never have the time to actually do.

So, I am going back to work on August 21. That is what we decided. But I’m not sure how I feel.