Hey there, it’s Cassandra. I have been thinking a lot about what I wanted my next blog post to be about. Food, family, baby sleep routines, parenting paranoia, getting my pre-baby body back, how I got my body back the first time, traditions, toddler toys, etc…I couldn’t focus on any one subject and so I just decided to put it off, until yesterday. I started thinking about how much I love my girls. That is usually a major theme for me as a mother. I have turned into a giant sap. I still wish I was working, but I enjoy being a mother more than I ever dreamed would be possible. I wasn’t always this way, and I think in exploring the change that I went through these past three years will hopefully help some of you moms who are going through this out.

First off, here is my beautiful baby after some mango.

Get ready to hate my guts after looking at this adorable girl and reading what I am about to write.

When we decided to start trying for a second baby, I thought I was ready. Lucy had gotten so easy, everything just flowed. We had settled into a routine that fit and I felt like adding a second one would be easy as pie. After a few months and a miscarriage, I found out that we were expecting our second daughter. I am very tall, and so even though I was very pregnant, I didn’t look it. Lucy was blissfully ignorant and I was taking advantage of her awesome three hour nap to get in my workouts and naps. Around month 6 or 7, I realized that I was going to have a newborn around the house and reality sunk in. Oh my goodness, what did I do? How was I going to take care of two? Moreover, how was Lucy going to react to playing second fiddle to this new bundle of joy that’s entire life’s purpose was to exhaust me and take up all my love? I suddenly realized that I didn’t want another baby. I wanted to give all my love to Lucy, end of story. On top of my horrible realization, I started showing and Lucy got really clingy. She stopped pooping in the potty, only wanted me, and got really weird about baths. We always took baths together and she played, but that turned into her clinging tightly to me and refusing to play. By month 9 I was fine staying pregnant forever. That way everything would be fine and I wouldn’t have to confront my mistake head on. That’s right, I said mistake. (Insert horrible mother photo here.)

When Norah arrived, I was still in shock. I hadn’t worked through my issues and here I was, sitting in the hospital after a whirlwind birth, about to introduce baby #2 to baby #1. I loved Norah, but it wasn’t that tug at your heartstrings, love at first sight kind of love that I felt I should have for my child. What kind of horrible mother was I? All I could feel was guilt at the fact that I didn’t cry when she was born. I thought if only I had a VBAC, things would be different. Having one meant that I would have that special bond so many mothers talk about. Why was it missing?

Fast forward four months and I am a completely different mother. Looking at Norah wiggle around on her mat, try to chew off my chin, and how she lights up when her sister is near gives me all of those feelings I was missing the day she was born. Sometimes, I stare at pictures of her and she makes my heart ache. I am talking sixteen year old girl, my life is over if Justin Bieber doesn’t know who I am heart aches. The kind that make you cry yourself to sleep.

I have come to two conclusions after adding number two to the mix. The first is it’s okay to not have the same parenting reaction that society expects of you. We are all different and we take to this job differently. Adding another person to a family is not a trivial thing.  Even though babies are cute, rarely are those “cute babies” that everyone loves from the commercials a newborn. Newborns are tough and sometimes, they leave you at your wits end. Every parent has had the “Why did we do this again?” moment at least once. If you have that baby that never cries, puts itself to sleep, eats like a champ, and you left the hospital in your pre-pregnancy clothes, good for you. Just be sure to keep that to yourself for a few years. At least until I am through with the baby stage. Mentally, I am not capable of hearing about your perfect baby.  Just remember, the rest of us are out here in the trenches, cleaning the latrine with a toothbrush and grinning from ear to ear, saying, “This is the best time of my life.”

The second thing I learned is more personal. Norah has taught me more about how I love. I used to fancy myself a romantic, but now I know better than that. I need time to fall in love, and that is okay. My mother is a total sap and said she cried the moment she saw me. It was “love at first sight” as she says. Lucy and Norah aren’t as lucky to have a mother that has that open of a heart. I do, however, love them now with all my heart, soul, mind, time, and body. I would die for them. I sometimes pray at night that I want to take their place if ever anything happens to the family. I would gladly give my life for them in an instant. I want to.

Norah has won me over with her smiling eyes, her coos, her snuggles, and gentle disposition. She is such a sweetheart. I don’t know how someone as cold hearted as me could have a baby this loving. My point is, if you are worried about having baby number two, don’t worry. You will love the second child. You may be a heartless mother like me and it might take you a few months, but you will love them. Then you’ll be writing a blog about how you couldn’t imagine your life without both of them. Don’t just take my word for it, get going.